


The Fun is Just Beginning

by thicc_hermann



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Drug Use, Explicit Language, Gay Jokes, Gen, I've never seen the shining but I reference it, M/M, Post IT2, Pre IT2, Richie Tozier Writes His Own Material, Richie Tozier doesn't write his own material, Richie Tozier is a dick, Sexist Language, Sexual Humor, also the original female character isnt really in this, comedy - freeform, she's the butt of his jokes, thats a joke because im using the term comedy loosely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-09 09:50:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20851472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thicc_hermann/pseuds/thicc_hermann
Summary: Richie Tozier doesn't write his own material, but maybe he could.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to have a go at writing Richie Tozier stand up. I might try and write a sequel where he's writing his own material? There's probably some stuff wrong with this but I wrote it at 4am so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Richie smooths the lines with his credit card before shoving the rolled dollar note into his nose and snorting. Just in time too, there was a knock on the closet of a dressing room door. This show was a big deal; he was opening Rickey Gervais. This could really do something for his career. Maybe he actually would make something of himself. The techie that had appeared behind the door looked like she could use a line herself as she pushed him towards the stage.

The music fired up and Richie bounced on the balls of his toes psyching himself up and pushing his anxiety out through his violently shaking hands. The announcer welcomed Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier to the stage and he leapt out to a warm round of applause.  
“Hey everyone! How’re you all doing tonight? It’s so good to be here. Your city is gorgeous.” He normally replaced ‘your city’ with actually whatever city it was, but he really couldn’t fucking tell.

“Any couples in the crowd tonight?” He covered his eyes to see hands going up as some people in the audience cheered.  
“I envy you lucky men. I’m so bad with women. I’m so bad with women you have no idea.”  
“The farthest I’ve ever gotten with a woman?” He knocked his knees and in a high-pitched imitation of a bashful young girl said, “Hehe well…” without changing his demeanour but in a shockingly deep voice he boomed, “I’ve done anal.” This was the point in the show where the audience realised, hey maybe this guy is actually funny.  
“No but the furthest I’ve ever gotten in a relationship with a girl was meeting the parents. Fellas, we all hate meeting the parents. Like we’ll lie and say nooo I know how important family is to you baby, of course I want to meet them. But then we’re in your parents’ bathroom bumping a line of Xanax using an ornamental sea shell.” As usual that joke got a huge burst of laughter.

“So this girl I was dating, she starts dropping hints trying to prep me for it right, like oh” he twists an imaginary curl over his shoulder “my dad loves Fleetwood mac you have that in common. Like yeah no shit everyone loves the mac. That’s like saying oh my dad loves breathing oxygen and being alive you two have sooo much to talk about!” Sometimes, like this time this joked killed. Sometimes the audience just wasn’t right for it, but he always refused to turn his back on Stevie Nicks and change it to a band more suited to his audience.  
“So I start thinking it is time for me to vamonos but I know this chick is definitely going to go off the rails when I leave right? She’ll go full shining on me like” he mimes planting an axe on his shoulder and in a perfect Jack Nicholson impression “Richie, darling, I’m not gonna hurt ya! I’m just gonna bash your brains in! I mean” he said switching back to his regular voice “don’t get me wrong, If Jack Nicholson had tits as good as this girl he wouldn’t have needed an axe, Like here’s Johnny!” He parroted as he mimed holding down an erection. Dick jokes were a staple in the Tozier repertoire and always a classic.

“I start planning my escape route right like I’ve gotta make sure she thinks it’s her idea, because otherwise I’m” he mimes swinging an axe. “I gotta build it up slow yeah. I put my plan into action when we go out for drinks with friends, I spend the whole night paying attention to some other girl, it doesn’t matter who it is, but it’s better if it’s one of her friends. I really play it up right, like laughing at her jokes, looking at her, being a real skeez, basically. So when we get home she’s all fired up. Now this goes one of two ways, either, she’s ready to show me what I’m missing, or we get into a fight. Everyone knows chicks love makeup sex. It’s like crack to them, they can’t get enough. They get an outlet for being psycho and then immediately get rewarded for it.” This always got a laugh from the guys, sometimes the ladies too. Sometimes it got boos.  
“Either way, it ends up in the bedroom, right? Now this is where the clever bit comes in, because I’ve already taken care of myself. I like to pride myself on stamina, but once I’m done, I’m done. Those dudes that just come and come and come, I just don’t understand it. Like call me old fashioned but I’m a one and done, cigarette, lights off, immediately asleep, kinda guy. So she can, pull, suck, hell she can do black magic but there is no way my little guy is stirring.” Richie at this point in the act always wishes he weren’t on stage telling a couple hundred people explicitly detailed facts about his sex life. The powder still stuck to the inside of his nose compelled him on.

“Now I do this a couple times right, only while drunk though. I’m still performing” he wiggles his eyebrows and thrusts his hips obscenely ”when not inebriated. Thank god I love to masturbate though, because I take it up like a hobby. Slow at first, maybe only cancelling pound town once a week. But then I’m speeding up, I start doing it every day, like I’m back to being a teenager again, sometimes a couple times a day if I think she’s going to be persistent. We’re not fucking at all anymore, and it gets to the point where she stops asking. She starts spending more time with her friends she doesn’t sleep at home sometimes. Then one day she sits me down for a big chat. You know I’m thinking finally! She goes“ He crosses his wrists and in a sweet but condescending voice says ”honey, lately I’ve noticed somethings been up, we haven’t been connecting like we used to. Is there anything I can do to help?” Flicking back to his normal stance and voice, he gestures wildly “Like isn’t that unbelievable? I put this poor woman through all of this and she still won’t piss off? So I just out and say it. I go, ‘I’ve got erectile dysfunction.’ This is most men’s biggest fear, not being able to perform in the bedroom, but I just straight up admitted to having erectile dysfunction to get this girl to leave me alone. But the biggest kicker is, she still didn’t give up, she wanted me to see a fucking sex therapist. So anyway, all this to say, I met my girlfriends parents yesterday, it went really well, until her dad slipped me a sleave of Viagra when I shook his hand.” The final punchline was killer, he knew. A one hit K.O. It was a little vulgar and the thought of it made him cringe but the slight discomfort was absolutely nothing compared to the euphoria of the crowd cheering. If he weren’t already high, he probably would be anyway from the sheer endorphins of it all.

“Thank you! You’ve all been wonderful! Have a great night!” He smiled at the crowd, soaking in as much of their adoration as possible, before bounding off stage. Later that night, after the crash, he would cry and not really understand why. But for now he was over the moon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took an hour nap and then powered through to bring you part two

And maybe when he’s by Eddie’s hospital bedside he calls his manager and says he’s done. Not forever but for a little while. She’s confused but all he can tell her is that he’s been through hell.  
And maybe his comedy career is dead. But maybe it’s better that way anyway, lying on stage never made him happy, making people laugh did, but there would be time to figure that out later. And there was, endless time.  
And maybe as soon as Eddie is cognizant he tells him what he’d been dying to for 30 years.  
And maybe Eddie said he felt the same.

The next months are blurs of divorce lawyers, and too-and-froing over cohabitation, and stealing moments of silence to simply be together. Richie doesn’t think about comedy. He has savings and Eddie is working as much as he can between the chaoses, so he doesn’t have to think about it. It’s Eddie that brings it up.  
“You know I’m sad I never got to watch one of your sets. Do you still remember them?”  
He doesn’t know how he’ll do without the coke, but he gives it his best shot to run through one of his old routines.  
When he’s done, with all the enthusiasm of a dead horse and minimal bumbling, Eddie looks… off-put.  
“That was awful. That was your set? You wrote that?”  
“Well, bits of it I guess. Some of it, yeah.”  
“It makes you sound like more of an asshole than you already are. That poor girl, did you really do that to her?”  
“Oh god no, I could never hold a girlfriend for more than a month. No one was trying to introduce me to their parents.”  
“Maybe you should try actually writing your own stuff. It can’t be worse than that.”

The theatre was small; Richie had requested it. For a comeback tour, his manager wanted to go huge, but agreed small was probably better when she found out Richie was writing his own material again.  
The Losers clustered around a little table at the front. Eddie had invited them as a little surprise. It would be surprises all the way around as he was yet to hear any of Richie’s new set.  
The music swelled to great applause. A voice announced Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier and the man himself skipped onstage. Eddie studied his fingertips closely, it was hard to differentiate between cocaine jitters and anxiety but Richie was able to steady his hand to pick up the microphone, which was a good sign.  
“Hey everyone! How’re we doing tonight? I’m glad to be back! Bit of a reunion tour isn’t it? Good to see some of you still remember who the fuck I am. Though I’m imagining a large chunk of you are here because tickets were cheap. Can’t blame you really. I’m in my forties now and it’s so hard to find shit to do on Friday nights. Like I don’t even remember what I did in my twenties. I wish I could say I was partying but look at me; do you think this went down well at parties? People still give me a wide berth. I guess I just read asshole. I’m like those tropical fish that warn they’re gonna be poisonous with bright colours. Like glubglub” he pulled a fish face and held up his hands like fins “stay away or I’ll probably call you fat because I can’t think of anything else original to say.” The first little laughter break hit Richie and was so overwhelming he had to catch his breath. He loved doing this.

“I’d like to thank my boyfriend for being here tonight!” This announcement was met with enthusiastic but perhaps confused applause. “I know! That one’s a shocker isn’t it? Richie ‘vaguely homophobic’ Tozier is gay. Though if you’ve stuck around in the theatre bar after one of my shows it might not be that surprising.” One guy up the back laughed a little too hard.  
“My boyfriend hates me talking about having been with other men. I can’t work out if it’s because he’s jealous, or worried I’ve caught something. Me though, I hate hearing about my boyfriend having been with other men because even though I’m gay, I’m still homophobic. Like that shits disgusting. You put your what where?” He called out in a shrill voice, clutching his imaginary pearls. “Now put your dick in my ass.” He bent over and slapped his own butt, gaining a couple whistles from the crowd, almost certainly the Losers.  
“But so yeah, my boyfriend is a germaphobe, which sucks for him because he got pretty badly injured last year. And the closest hospital has the worst track record in America. Not kidding, it’s has like 95% greater risk of death than the country average. I only know this because as we’re riding in the ambulance, he’s on his phone reading the fucking hospital safety guide.” He begins to mime putting pressure on a wound ”I’m trying to hold his intestines inside him and he’s there like ‘You know there’s been 2 rubella outbreaks there this year! And a typhoid fever outbreak!’ And I’m just like fine by me if you want to bleed out on the sidewalk instead” Eddie’s warm smile and wholehearted laugh rang out to him over the others. Richie could see the other Losers laughing and jostling each other as they remembered that exchange.

“So my boyfriend and I have started talking about getting married right? We went through some stuff and realised we’re really only getting older. I’m new to this gay thing. What do you even do when you’re both dudes? Are there two stag dos or do we have a joint one? Can I order a stripper for my own husband? If I were going to, I’d get a sexy doctor because I know that would push something inside his subconscious. His fear of germs, his love of doctors, and his distaste for strippers, all wrapped up in one sexy man package. It would warp his mind I think.”  
“You know my whole life I had always just assumed I’d be the laid-back cool parent and let my partner do all the hard stuff. You know like I want to be the dad that when my husband goes ‘go ask your father’ I just say yes no matter what it was. Like you’ve always gotta have a good cop bad cop thing going on with kids. They gotta realise they can’t just have everything they want, even if you really want to just give them anything their dumb chubby face asks for. But since we’ve been talking seriously about the whole kid thing and it’s got me thinking about the fucked up shit I did when I was I kid. I would never let my kid do that. Like we used to play in sewers. I hate to think my boyfriend is rubbing off on me. I’d much prefer him to rub me off. But he does have a point; it’s a miracle none of us got cholera, the amount of shit water we must have drunk.” He could hear Eddie gagging even from up on the stage. He had to admit even he wasn’t so fond of that memory.  
He knew the Losers would appreciate leaving it on that note, and he was not tempted to delve more into the circumstances of their childhood. With that, he yelled to the crowd “Thank you all you’ve been wonderful! Have a great night!” and trotted off stage.

  
He was met, not too long after, by a flurry of hugs. Six pairs of hands rushing to clap him on the back and tell him what a great job he’d done. Eddie grabbed his face between his sturdy fingers. “I can’t believe you did a whole stand up set just about me, you asshole. Everyone in that room thinks I'm a neurotic bitch now!” and planted a fat kiss on his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Mr. King for inventing a whole town so I can lie about it and no one can tell me it's not true.  
Also Stan lived I don't care.


End file.
